


Robot Wars - Q Branch Edition

by FaerieChild



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Boffins - Freeform, M/M, Q Branch, Robots, robot wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-26 23:36:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7594762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaerieChild/pseuds/FaerieChild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by the new series of Robot Wars - the Q Branch Boffins decide to make weapons and materials research a bit more interesting by introducing their own robot wars little league. Naturally, the double-0's find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Robot Wars - Q Branch Edition

There was a sub-basement of a sub-basement in the Quartermaster's new digs that was bullet and bomb proof with three foot concrete lined walls and thick bullet-proof glass in the small viewing area.

The Quartermaster stood on the left side of the glass, with R at his side. The head of Research and Development stood on the right, with her second by her side.

Between them, Bill Tanner looked from left to right. “When I sound this buzzer, the battle will commence. The battle will last three minutes. I will sound the buzzer again to signal the end of the bout. In order to win you must disable or inflict maximum damage on your opponent's robot. In the event of a tie M's decision will be final. Do you understand?”

Q pushed his glasses up his nose and adjusted the controller in his hands. He nodded firmly and then looked at Tanesha from R&D who nodded and met his gaze with a challenge of her own.

Behind them, on the wall, a chart of the Q Branch Robot Wars league table showed that Team Exterminator was in the lead followed by Team Killbot. Team Overlord was third and a lot of people suspected the Quartermaster was only in third place because his workload ensured he didn't have as much time as the other five times to work on his robot.

Tanesha had gone with a robot primarily made of a new type of bomb proof plastic. She had decided to go with a revolving saw blade for her weapon that rotated at 500rpm and was souped up with a self-righting mechanism.

Q sent his own robot into a spin. He had gone with a titanium axe and armour plated steel. Where Tanesha had gone with tracks for movement, Q had a series of wheels hidden underneath his robot in the hope that the low carriage of the robot would hinder attacks affecting the movement.

Upstairs in Q Branch, James Bond searched for the Quartermaster. Or R. Or anyone, really, who was in any way senior. He found those who were on duty were mostly glued to a CCTV image of a concrete room.

“Excuse me,” Bond started, hoping a few of the boffins would explain precisely what was going on.

He was quickly hushed and a group of half a dozen boffins silently finger pointing at the screen.

“What is that?”

Someone arrived, bringing popcorn. Popcorn? The popcorn carrying boffin in the lambswool sweater looked between Bond and the screen. “I don't think 007's supposed to know about Robot Wars. M said it might give him ideas.”

Bond stepped a little closer to the screen, curious. “Robot Wars?”

In the sub-basement, Bill Tanner sounded the claxon indicating the start of the match. What followed was three minutes of some of the most destructive anihiliation Bond had ever witnessed. There was armour plate flying in lethal splinters across the room. He winced as the axe head of one robot smashed into the motor of the other sending the motor of the other into overdrive and screeching into the armour plating of the opposing robot sending sparks flying...and then there were the boffins.

The usually quiet, demure, research-minded boffins of Q Branch turned into a pack of hungry wolves the moment the battle started, jumping up and down and screaming at the screen and baying for blood. They were tugging at each other for a better view of the screen and Bond was beginning to consider it might be a good idea to chance his luck with the robots.

By the time the second claxon sounded both robots were taking their last gasps.

Quickly the boffins began scribbling notes, which Bond soon realised was some sort of scoring system until they were agreed that Team Overlord had been more aggressive but Team Exterminator had fought harder and caused more damage. Q's armour plating was going to need some serious work before it would be ready for a new bout whereas Team Exterminator's bomb proof plastic had held up well and they could probably make do with a new motor.

Within a few minutes there was consensus and the results phoned down to the basement. Bond was curious enough to hang around and around ten minutes later a motley crew of people and destroyed technology made it's way back into Q Branch.

“I still think I should have won,” Q declared imperiously.

Tanesha smiled her brilliant smile, her rope braids swaying as she lorded it over the Quartermaster, “You'll just have to do better next time!” 

Q pushed his glasses up and poked sadly at a hideously bent corner of armour plated steel. He pouted and was quickly comforted by R. “Why did we let R&D have their own team again?”

R opened her mouth to speak but before she could say anything footsteps sounded and M appeared in the doorway, accompanied by Tanner.

“Well, that was certainly one of the more memorable bouts. Well done all. Quartermaster, I see you are destined to live out the same fate as the England cricket team. Inventor of a game you can never win.”

“As it happens, sir, R&D have been developing a new type of bomb proof glass and I rather feel in the circumstances...”

Mallory clapped Q on the shoulder. “Come on, Quartermaster. You'll just have to do better next time. Tanesha, isn't it?” Mallory reached his hand out to shake her hand, “Very well done.”

“It's all in the spirit of fun, Sir.” 

“Of course it is,” Mallory smiled mildly, but pointedly at Q, as if reminding the Quartermaster that fun was the aim of the game and he should stop pouting. M's eyes scanned the room and settled on a dark corner. “I should have known.”

Bond emerged from his hiding place.

“Mallory.”

“007.”

“You've been holding out on me.”

“Bond?” Q spun around. “When did you get back?”

“In time to see you lose, apparently. Congratulations, Team Exterminator.”

Team Exterminator nodded in Bond's direction.

“'Might give me ideas', Sir?” Bond asked M.

“In M's defence,” Q spoke up, “It probably isn't a good idea for any of the double-o's to see the destructive power of their potential weapons in development.”

“This is part of weapons development?!”

The Quartermaster shrugged. “Makes it more interesting, don't you think?”

M shook his head. “For the love of God, Bond, don't tell the other double-o's?”

The grin that spread across Bond's face was slow, deadly, and wolfish but it was Tanner who smiled his kind, reassuring smile at Mallory as if they were talking of nothing more taxing than the weather on a pleasant summer's day. “Oh, now,” Tanner appealed to Mallory, “Where's the fun in that, Sir?”

Mallory's face paled.

~

Exactly one week later the boffins lined up in Q Branch, their knit wear and white coats making them stand out against the motley crew of suited assassins who had decided to join them.

There was popcorn. There was comfy seating. There was in-depth analysis on large white boards of each of the robots and the deadliness of their respective weapons. There was a league table of who was winning and a timid, mousish lady who was barely five foot tall and had big glasses explained the need to find a way to test the strength and destructiveness of various new materials and weapons ideas. “...and so we thought we might have a bit of fun at the same time,” She faked a smile and reminded herself that assassins were only supposed to kill baddies.

“This week's bout is between Team Killbot and Team Voldemort. The boffins will score the bout and decide on the winner based on points for destruction, aggression and creativity.”

“Creativity?” 002 interrupted. “Do we get marks for creativity?”

“I don't know,” 001 answered and turned to 003. “Do we get marks for creativity?”

“Do concentrate!” R chastised the assassins grouped grouped around a bank of computer screens. “As I was saying, the boffins mark each of the teams and determine the winner. In the event that a winner cannot be agreed upon or there is a clear tie M will decide the winner and M's decision is final. This week we will be testing Team Killbot's new flame thrower against the destructive crushing power of team Voldemort's pincers. Each bout will last three minutes and Bill Tanner will adjudicate. For reasons of safety we have set up CCTV inside the arena and only the operators and the adjudicator will have visual access to the room. The match starts when the first claxon sounds.”

A feet away the Quartermaster stood quietly beside Bond, watching the other double-o's for any sign of trouble. “This is all your fault,” Q reminded him.

Bond slid one hand into his pocket. “All my fault? You'll have them eating out of your hand after this.” He paused for a moment. “Out of curiosity...”

“Robots are not available for missions,” Q said firmly. “That paperwork would be horrific.”

“Had to ask,” Bond shrugged. “Well, I guess it's nearly time.”

Q logged into his computer and pulled up the CCTV on the big screen. He pressed a button to activate a telephone call to the basement.

“Bill Tanner.”

“Tanner, this is the Quartermaster speaking. We're ready up here.”

“And we're ready down here.”

“Excellent,” Q announced. “Then let the games begin.”


End file.
